


Say it Just Right

by Peach_Skies



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, First Years, M/M, only a little tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-27
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2019-04-08 17:20:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14110281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peach_Skies/pseuds/Peach_Skies
Summary: A few words said in passing leave Kageyama in bad shape. He's distant, moody, and tired. Worst of all, it's Hinata's fault, but he's determined to make things right and help Kageyama however he can.





	Say it Just Right

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fic I've posted on here, and the first thing I've posted in years. I'm a little rusty so like yikes @myself and my writing, but I love these dumb volleyball kids so I decided to follow through
> 
> There isn't anything graphic in this fic, but it is about depression and gets kinda angsty in some moments. It has a happy ending, which is good and it's what they deserve

# Say It Just Right

Hinata makes the comment in passing. It bubbles up from his chest and out of his mouth before he’s really conscious of the words himself.

“This is why you have no friends, Kageyama-kun.”

There is a moment when the last syllable is escaping that he wonders if the next thing out of his mouth should be an apology. But Kageyama reacts the same way he always does, with an angry ‘dumbass!’ at the ready. So Hinata doesn’t give anymore thought to the comment. 

And then they beat Shiratorizawa, stand victorious over Ushijima himself, and to Hinata the comment has already long been forgotten. 

Kageyama starts avoiding him, after that. At first Hinata doesn’t notice, until one day he realizes he hasn’t seen Kageyama all day until practice. He’s walking in, laughing about something with Yachi and Yamaguchi when he sees Kageyama warming up in the corner. 

“Hey, Kageyama-kun!” Hinata shouts, and starts making his way over. Kageyama looks up and nods, then turns away. Hinata stops, his grin dropping and his mouth almost twitching into a frown. Then Daichi calls for practice to start and Hinata has no choice but to get ready. 

Kageyama is quieter than usual at practice, and when he addresses Hinata for making mistakes, there’s no heat in his voice. Hinata even messes up a serve on purpose, but Kageyama doesn’t say anything. When they practice dives, Hinata purposefully comes up short. The ball hits the ground and Kageyama, who had been watching from the side as he took a drink of water, frowns at him. 

“You could have gotten that,” He says, and Hinata hears the ghost of the normal Kageyama. 

“I guess I wasn’t moving fast enough,” Hinata says slowly, gaging his reactions. But Kageyama doesn’t do anything but get back in line, so Hinata turns back around and picks up the next spike.

When Daichi calls them together at the end of practice, Hinata is more focused on the way Kageyama can’t keep his hands still at his sides. No one else seems to notice the way he picks at the hem of his shirt, taps his fingers against his thighs. His face is the neutral, almost angry mask it normally is, but his hands convey agitation. 

Kageyama changes quickly, silently, though Hinata wouldn’t have noticed over the general raucous of the club room if he hadn’t been paying such close attention in the first place. He keeps his head down and leaves quickly, before Hinata has even finished changing.

Maybe, Hinata thinks on his way home, he has an exam coming up. Or maybe he failed a pop quiz. Perhaps there’s an ill family member. Well, Hinata thinks, I’m sure he’ll be back to normal in the morning. Hinata hopes he will be. 

The next day comes, and Hinata catches Kageyama on their way inside before classes. He frowns when he notices the dark circles under Kageyama’s eyes, the way his hands keep twitching at his side. Hinata has the urge to reach down and take them in his own hands, still them, bring peace to them. Instead, he pokes Kageyama in the side.

“Hey Yamayama-kun,” Hinata says with the most normal tone he can muster as they walk to class, “You look exhausted! Daichi will kill you if you spent all night watching old volleyball videos again.” 

He expects an outburst at his use of the nickname, but Kageyama looks at him- no, past him, like he isn’t really seeing Hinata and just hums. His eyes are distant, and Hinata stops, too stunned to keep up, and when the bell rings Hinata rushes towards his class. 

Hinata makes his way to Class 3 during lunchtime. He pokes his head in, searching, and spots Kageyama sitting alone at his desk. He’s looking straight down with a pained expression on his face, chewing his bottom lip, but there’s nothing on his desk. Hinata can see his leg bouncing, can see him playing with his hands. 

“Kageyamaaaaa!” Hinata announces loudly as he strolls inside, garnering attention, with what he hopes is a bright smile on his face. 

“What are you doing here?” Kageyama asks, and his voice is too quiet, too…something that Hinata can’t recognize, but makes his throat tighten, just a little. 

“I’m here for lunch. Duh,” he tries for a smile again, but it falls quickly. 

Kageyama pulls out his own bento and sets it on the desk, but his hands fall back to his lap. His leg is still bouncing. There is silence between them, and there is a gloomy atmosphere despite the bright day. Hinata grasps for something to talk about and settles on volleyball, the one thing that is safe, always.

He talks about their defeat of Shiratorizawa, of the cheers from the crowd and blow good it felt to take on Ushijima and win. For a moment, it seems like it works. Kageyama’s eyes light up, just a little bit, and he even mentions his own favorite moment from that day. 

"Hey, Hinata," they both look towards the door to see two boys from a different class, “Thought we were doing lunch today?”

“Sorry guys,” Hinata returns with an apologetic smile, “Some other time.” 

The other boys head off and Hinata turns back to continue his conversation with Kageyama, but he doesn’t say anything as he watches Kageyama’s demeanor shift before his eyes. It seemed like Kageyama was starting to almost enjoy himself, but now his lower lip was tucked so tightly between his teeth Hinata was worried he’d draw blood. His hands are balled fists at his side, but they were trembling. 

That scared Hinata the most. To him, Kageyama’s hands were steady, dependable, the way a setter’s hands should be.

“Ka-”

“Bathroom,” Kageyama mutters before standing abruptly and making his way out of the classroom.

Hinata sits, unsure of what to do and not understanding what was happening. It was all too alarming. Should he tell someone, Daichi maybe, or Coach Ukai? But what if it’s a personal problem Kageyama doesn’t want anyone else to know about? Hinata finishes his lunch and resolves to talk to Kageyama first before turning to anyone else. 

It’s halfway into his next lesson back in his own classroom that Hinata realizes Kageyama had never returned from the bathroom. He realizes that Kageyama’s bento was left untouched.

Hinata confronts Kageyama after practice, changes quickly so he can run after him. Kageyama stops as he calls out to him, his bag slung over his shoulder and illuminated by the street light behind him. If the circumstances were different, Hinata would say that Kageyama looked mysterious like this, intriguing, even attractive. Now he thinks Kageyama just looks tired. 

“Kageyama-kun,” Hinata doesn’t hesitate, because that’s not how their relationship works anymore, “Is everything all right? You’ve seemed off the past couple days.” 

Kageyama looks surprised, for a moment, but then his face slips back into a tired, sullen expression. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Kageyama bites out, then turns away. Hinata isn’t about to be ignored, not until he has gotten to the bottom of this. 

“So something is wrong?” He presses, moving so as to stand face to face with Kageyama again. 

There is a scowl, now, on Kageyama’s face, and anger in his voice when he speaks. Kageyama has always been quick to anger, even quicker when it comes to Hinata, but there is still something not right about it. 

“Kageyama, if something’s wrong you shou-” Hinata tries, but before he finishes, Kageyama explodes. 

He’s yelling, and that’s not really new but Hinata is stunned nonetheless. There is no sign of Kageyama’s usual flare of quick, fleeting anger. This is not their usual push and pull. Hinata thinks Kageyama sounds…bitter. Hateful, almost, and his heart breaks a little. 

Hinata had tuned out Kageyama’s yelling, for the most part, too stunned to really focus, but his ears caught on the words ‘volleyball’ and ‘failure’ and they were addressed to him, to Hinata. And now he’s shouting back, just as loud, just as hurt. 

“Honestly, Kageyama, if this is how you treat your friends-”

“We’re not friends!” Kageyama snarls back, and there is so much anger and hurt and intensity in those few simple words that Hinata shuts up, right then and there, spins on his heel and runs for home. 

Stupid Kageyama, he thinks, stupid stupid stupidstupidstupid. And Hinata hates his stupid heart, the way it felt so tight in his chest. He was mad at himself for being stupid enough to think he and Kageyama were friends, that they were more than just teammates. 

Hinata wasn’t going to chase someone who didn’t want him around. He’d be teammates with Kageyama and nothing else, and only in the pursuit of victory. Hinata doesn’t realize he’s crying until his vision grows blurry from tears. 

The team notices a change right away. Hinata and Kageyama are cordial, but they are cold as well, and the tension between them is thick, almost palpable. Daichi pulls them aside, tells them they should work out whatever was going on between them. 

“Don’t worry captain,” Kageyama deadpans, his face neutral but his eyes blazing as he glances at Hinata beside him, “We’re both on the same page now.” He walks away and Hinata glares at his retreating back. 

They play…well enough together, like this. They are not spectacular, and there is less joy in it. Hinata can tell from the looks everyone is giving them that they’re nervous. They remember what happened last time, at the training camp, but no one says anything until the end of practice. 

Tsukishima, probably prompted by Yamaguchi, approaches Kageyama. To be fair, Tsukishima, who has the emotional sensitivities of a wet sponge, is probably not the best person to send over, and, in hindsight, could have been a little less…patronizing. No one is paying attention to what they’re saying, and Kageyama doesn’t seem to be getting as annoyed as he normally would. But suddenly Kageyama has Tsukishima pinned against the wall, and then the whole gym falls into a stunned silence as they watch things unfold. 

Suga moves to act, but Daichi holds him off. After a moment Kageyama releases Tsukishima and the two glare at each other before Kageyama moves away, walks too calmly out of the gym. Daichi, Suga, and Coach Ukai pulls Tsukishima aside to talk to him, but Hinata doesn’t stay long enough to find out what they all said. 

Hinata is confronted in the yard the next day by Tsukishima, Yamaguchi, and Yachi. The last two wear anxious expressions, Tsukishima an irritated scowl. 

“There’s something wrong with Kageyama,” Tsukishima states.

“You mean besides the fact he’s been a giant ass recently,” Hinata responds sarcastically. 

“Yes,” comes Tsukishima’s response, and Hinata is a little taken aback by how serious he sounds. “It’s not like you haven’t noticed as well.”

“He’s been…moodier, recently. Quieter,” Hinata supplies, slowly. “I tried asking him about it but he just…he…I’m through. I’m done reaching out to him.” 

“Hinata-kun, Kageyama-kun is our friend and we’re worried,” Yachi tries, “You’re closer to him than any of us.” Hinata scoffs at that but doesn’t say anything. 

“Look,” Yamaguchi tries as well, “We’re worried about what the coaches will do. We can’t risk him getting suspended, right?” 

Hinata is doubtful for a moment, and volleyball almost sways him. But then his heart tightens up in his chest at the memory of the contempt in Kageyama’s voice and he shakes his head. 

“I’m sorry,” Hinata says, “But I can’t help you guys, even if I wanted to.” Hinata packs up his things and leaves them all staring after him. 

Hinata doesn’t see much of Kageyama. They don’t eat lunch together, and they have separate study sessions with Yachi. Hinata only seems him at practice, and he doesn’t realize how much he looks forward to those hours, not just for volleyball, despite how hurt he feels. They are never alone together, never even stand next to each other. The way they play together on the court feels stale. 

And Kageyama is only getting worse. The bags under his eyes only become more pronounced, and he seems thinner. Suga pulls him aside one day, puts an apple in his hand and watches as Kageyama finishes the entire thing. Kageyama makes more mistakes in practice. The coach pulls him aside and they talk for a moment until Kageyama walks away. 

They start practicing more formations with Suga as the setter. 

By the end of the week, Hinata can’t stand it. He tries as hard as he can to pretend he doesn’t miss Kageyama, his soft, dark hair and deep blue eyes. Pretends he doesn’t miss that spark when they play on the court together, or the study sessions with Yachi. He misses their arguments, their little challenges, that competition between them that kept them both reaching higher. There is a Kageyama-shaped hole in his heart and Hinata refuses to go another day without his big, dumb, wonderful setter.

On Saturday, Hinata has decided he’s had enough. He grabs his bike, tells him mom he’ll be back later, and heads out. He realizes the impulsiveness of his actions as he stands at the front door. It would be no use texting Kageyama to let him in. Were his parents even home?

Hinata takes a deep breath and knocks at the door. When no one answers he knocks again, louder, still to no avail. He tries the handle and is surprised to find it open. He hesitates only for a second before pushing inside. He sees only one pair of shoes as he slips his own off.

“Sorry for intruding,” He calls out as he steps tentatively into the home, but the place seems empty. 

Hinata blinks, taking in the house for a moment. It was very…minimal, organized, so different from his own cluttered home. Hinata walked to the fridge, peered at note that seemed to be addressed to Kageyama from his parents. Gone for a week, it read, be back Wednesday! 

Hinata walked around the living room, careful to make sure he didn’t track dirt on the white carpet. There were photos of the Kageyama family everywhere, and he picked up a photo from a table by the window and felt a grin spread as he examined a young Kageyama, probably no older than six. He was on a beach somewhere, a giant grin spread across his face. He was wearing a blue and white striped shirt, swim trunks, one hand clutching a straw hat, the other a red sand bucket. The ocean and sunshine stretched out behind him, and Hinata found the photo so totally adorable he snapped a picture with his phone. 

Not forgetting his entire reason for coming, Hinata climbed tentatively up the stairs. He’s glad they don’t squeak beneath him, as he isn’t sure if he wants his presence to be known or not just yet. Hinata peaks into the two open doors he passes; one seemed to be the parents’ room, the other the bathroom. Hinata stops in front of the third door, his hand on the doorknob, his heart hammering in his chest. 

Hinata ignores the voice telling him to turn around, to leave, it’s not too late, and he stops thinking. He acts, instead, because Hinata is a person of action. Act first, think later; it hasn’t always served him well, but there’s nothing he’s regretted that badly. So he gathers his courage and pushes open the door. 

If Kageyama notices him, he doesn’t give any indication. Kageyama’s room is neater than he was expecting, and there’s less in it. He spots a volleyball on the bed, a couple weights by the closet. Kageyama is slumped in the desk chair, his long legs pulled up to his chest, his head resting on one arm and the other lying still at his side. The lights are off, and there is a little light is streaming through the partially closed curtains. Hinata can tell he’s not asleep- he spots a bouncing leg, a twitching hand- so he closes the door behind with a click. 

Kageyama reacts slowly, lifts his head up and turns to face Hinata so unbearably slow, and when his eyes land on him, Hinata doesn’t see any emotion cross his face. He’d rather Kageyama get angry than display that blank expression. 

After a moment, Hinata realizes Kageyama’s eyes are red and puffy, and his heart breaks all over again. 

“Kageyama-kun,” Hinata says, and his mouth is dry, his tongue feels a little too heavy, “Something is wrong and I don’t know what it is.” Kageyama is silent, so Hinata keeps going. 

“Everyone is worried,” Hinata continues, “I’m worried. Tell me what’s going on.”

“Why?” Kageyama says, and he sounds so sad, so achingly sad, “I couldn’t ask you to deal with…me. You said it yourself, we’re not friends.”

“When did I-” 

“’This is why you have no friends, Kageyama-kun.’” Kageyama interrupts, “That means us too.”

“Kageyama I…I didn’t mean…”

“Just leave me alone,” Kageyama finishes. Hinata wants to roll his eyes because he’s obviously not going to leave, not now, not when he knows this is his fault. Instead, he walks over to Kageyama, sits on his heels so he can look up at him. 

“I’m not leaving you,” Hinata says, quietly, “I’m…scared, Kageyama-kun. I don’t want to leave you like this, all alone.”

“I’m alone all the time anyways,” Kageyama mutters bitterly. 

Hinata, abandoning rational thought, does what feels natural and grabs Kageyama’s hands in his own. They’re so much bigger than his, rough and calloused and cold. They’re trembling, slightly, and Hinata runs his thumbs over the back of Kageyama’s hands. 

“I’m sorry,” Hinata says, and Kageyama meets his eyes for the first time, really looks at him. 

“I’m sorry,” Hinata says again, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know, I didn’t think before I said that. I didn’t mean it, Kageyama, you have to know that.” He gives Kageyama’s hands a squeeze. 

“And you don’t have to forgive me,” he adds, “But you have to know I didn’t mean it. This isn’t middle school. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but the team cares about you.” He swallows thickly. 

“I care about you,” Hinata lets this statement hang in the air. Then Kageyama is squeezing his eyes shut, but it isn’t enough to stop the tears. His whole body is shaking, now, and Hinata, startled, does the only thing he can think of: he stands and leans into Kageyama, draping his arms over his shoulders. To Hinata’s surprise, Kageyama leans into him, buries his head into Hinata’s stomach and cries. 

“I…” Kageyama chokes out, “Care about you too. I know you didn’t mean it, I just…” Hinata doesn’t push him to finish, so they stay like this, for a moment. Hinata eventually moves a hand to the back of Kageyama’s neck, traces his fingers into his hair. So soft, Hinata thinks as he runs his fingers through it. 

“I know in my head that you didn’t mean it,” Kageyama says quietly, “I know, but sometimes that doesn’t matter. It hurt, anyways. I keep thinking ‘what if it’s true? What if he meant it?’ And sometimes I can’t shake it off and it just snowballs into something…worse.” There is silence, again, as Hinata processes this. 

“I don’t want to feel this way, anymore,” Kageyama murmurs into Hinata’s shirt, so quietly he almost misses it. 

“I wish I could snap my fingers and fix this for you,” Hinata says, is truly upset that he can’t.

“I’m sorry,” Kageyama says, “I can’t control myself when this happens. Something so small sets me on a downward spiral.” Hinata pulls back to look at him. 

“Don’t apologize,” Hinata says fiercely, then softens his tone, “Don’t. Just promise me you’ll tell me when something like this happens again, okay? As your friend.” Kageyama looks doubtful, but he nods anyways, and Hinata smiles softly. 

Somewhere in the back of his mind a voice asks Hinata if he should be embarrassed right now. This is new territory for the both of them, and it seems like they just covered a very great distance in a short amount of time. But Hinata finds that he doesn’t really care about any of that. His heart feels more full right now than it has all week.

They stay like that for a while, and there is nothing but the sound of the ticking clock on Kageyama’s nightstand and their breathing. 

“Do you want me to make some tea?” Hinata asks after a moment, his hand stilling in Kageyama’s hair. Kageyama shakes his head, and the hand in Kageyama’s hair gives a soft tug. 

“Let’s at least lie down, then,” Hinata suggests, “I think you could use some rest.” 

Hinata steps away, wraps his hand around Kageyama’s and tugs, leads him towards the bed. They lie down next to each other, and Hinata is about to pull his hand away when Kageyama locks their fingers together. There’s a soft blush on his cheeks that makes Hinata grin, just a little, and his heart pick up a lot. He tucks himself into Kageyama’s side, breathes in the smell of him. He waits for Kageyama’s breathing to become deep and steady and even before he closes his eyes and drifts off to sleep. 

When Hinata wakes up again and checks his phone, only about an hour has passed, but the room is already much darker than it was before. He sits up to watch Kageyama sleep and he doesn’t really care how creepy that seems. Gently, gently, he brushes the hair from Kageyama’s forehead to the side, lets his fingers trace down the side of his cheek. He picks up his phone and texts his mom to ask and spend the night. Then he closes his eyes and goes back to sleep. 

The second time he wakes up, Hinata untangles himself and sneaks out of bed. It had only been a couple hours, but he was feeling a little stiff. He quietly opens the door, glances back to make sure Kageyama is still asleep before he slips out. He uses the bathroom, then wanders back downstairs to check the fridge. He feels rude, poking around without permission, but it’s for the sake of feeding Kageyama so it’s worth it. 

The fridge is surprisingly well stocked, and Hinata spies a few cookbooks. He’s contemplating which book would have the simplest recipes when he hears footsteps. He turns around and spots Kageyama coming down the stairs. He changed into grey, low hanging sweatpants and an old tshirt. His hair has come out regularly unscathed, which Hinata resents considering his hair always looks like a rat’s nest in the mornings. He yawns, and when he speaks his voice is still thick with sleep. 

“I was wondering where you went,” he says, steps next to Hinata. There is heat radiating off of him, and Hinata wants to curl back into his side, but he focuses on the task at hand. 

“Sorry,” Hinata apologizes with a smile, “I thought you might be hungry. Are you any good at cooking? I can make, like, three things.”

“I am, actually,” Kageyama says. He has turned around to lean his elbows against the counter to look over at Hinata. Hinata tries not to trace the outline of his body, now is not the time, he chides himself. 

“Well,” he says, his voice higher pitched than he intended, “Well, I thought we could…” Hinata trails off with a frown as he has a thought. 

“Actually,” Hinata says, “Have you been outside the house at all today?” Kageyama hums and shakes his head. 

“You need fresh air,” Hinata chides, though he keeps his tone light, “Let’s at least pick up something to eat.”

“You’re paying,” Kageyama deadpans, and it such a Kageyama thing to do that Hinata can’t help but grin and agree. 

Kageyama leads the way to a ramen shop he knows. It’s nice outside, despite the lack of sun, and they walk in silence. They are walking shoulder to shoulder, and Hinata casts constant, furtive glances. Kagaeyama’s face seems almost normal, almost peaceful. Hinata doesn’t want to push anything, so he lets the silence continue and waits for Kageyama to take the initiative if he wants. The silence is not uncomfortable, though Hinata starts worrying more and more about if he’s doing everything he could be right now. 

Hinata gets an idea as they wait for their food, and he takes out his phone when Kageyama excuses himself to the bathroom. He sends off a round of text messages, closes his phone just when Kageyama comes back. They leave, each carrying a container of ramen. 

The silence persists, even on the walk back. Hinata has never been a quiet person, he didn’t know he’d have to start today, right now, and he’s putting a lot of concentration on keeping his mouth shut for once. Normally he wouldn’t hesitate, but tonight he doesn’t want to fill the space with noise if Kageyama is looking for silence.

“You’re quiet,” Kageyama observes, and Hinata’s head snaps around to look at him. Even in the dark, Hinata can see the anxiety on his face. There is a question in those two words that Kageyama doesn’t want to ask. 

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes, meaning it, “You weren’t saying anything so I didn’t want to either.” There is a pause before Kageyama chuckles (chuckles! Hinata can hardly believe it! It feels like sweet victory).

“Thanks,” he says, rubbing his neck absentmindedly, “I’m just used to you doing all the talking, since you’re a giant blabbermouth. It’s…easy, especially right now.” Well. Hinata feels his face flush even deeper at the sort-of compliment, and he hopes, prays, his blush isn’t noticeable in the dark.

“You were a cute kid,” Hinata comments, and he grins at the way Kageyama splutters, “You were! The beach picture is so cute.” 

“I hope that’s the only one you saw,” Kageyama says, “My mom keeps out some embarrassing photos of me.”

“You could hide them,” Hinata suggests playfully, but Kageyama shakes his head, and his expression is so comically grim that Hinata can’t help but laugh.

“I tried that once, and she just put up more than the first time,” he says, “It was weeks before she took down the ones in the bathroom.”

“It’s kind of strange, isn’t it,” Hinata asks slowly when they get back, not wanting to overstep, “That your parents have all these pictures out, but they’re gone for such a long time.” Kageyama shrugs, and by now they’re back at the house.

“It’s actually not that bad,” Kageyama says once they’re back inside and hunched over their dinners. 

“Why not?” Hinata prompts around the food in his mouth. 

“My parents’ work involves them travelling at lot. When I was younger, they managed to schedule it so that it was only one of them gone at a time. After I got older, they both started travelling at the same time because I could take care of myself.”

“My parents would never trust me that much.” Hinata pouts, and Kageyama gives him a look that says ‘well can you blame them.’ It is so reminiscent of the Kageyama he knows he forgets to be offended. 

“When people find out, they always worry about me,” Kageyama continues, “But it doesn’t bother me. I miss them and I know they miss me too, but I think that’s good. I think missing someone a lot is just proof of how much you care for each other.” Hinata thinks back to that lonely ache in his heart when Kageyama was absent from his life, and he silently agrees. 

“I’m not a…sociable person. I know that,” Kageyama seems to struggle for a moment, but regains himself after a few steady breaths, “I was used to being alone, so when I joined Karasuno and I met you…this is all still kind of new to me. I guess since it’s so new, it’s easier for me to poke holes in it.”

He takes a deep breath, and his eyes look clearer than Hinata remembers them being in a long time. 

“I know that the team cares about me…I know that you care about me,” they both blush, a little, “I know those things, objectively. But sometimes something will set me off, a comment or an interaction, sometimes nothing, and then I’m questioning everything, doubting everything. It sucks, and I can’t control it.”

This is the most Hinata has heard Kageyama talk, let alone talk about himself, and Hinata listens intently.

“I really liked how we played together,” he continued, “It was amazing, when you hit my tosses. But I’m…still a little scared of Kitigawa happening all over again, so when you said that I couldn’t convince myself it wasn’t true.”

“You’re not alone anymore,” Hinata says, and he regrets it because it feels hallow and pointless, but Kageyama smiles anyways, soft and gentle and Hinata’s heart flutters. 

They both silently agree that Hinata will spend the night. Kageyama gives him a pair of clothes to sleep in, a towel for the shower, even a spare toothbrush. Both boys, freshly showered and stomachs full, splay out on the couch as a movie plays. Hinata is not really invested in it, but he enjoyed the lively debate with Kageyama about what they should watch. 

Hinata wanted action, Kageyama wanted comedy. They compromise, decide on a comedy about two rogue cops that delivers on needless explosions and complex fight scenes. Hinata doesn’t think Kageyama is enjoying it until the credits rolls. He turns to Hinata and, with the most neutral expression says, “That was hilarious. I wish I had seen it in theaters.” 

Hinata stares for a moment, dumbfounded, before bursting out into laughter. 

“Kageyama, your face,” Hinata sounds around his laughter before flattening his hair with his hands, lowering his voice and mimicking his expression, “‘That was incredibly humorous. I’m dying of laughter.’” He laughs more, then stops quickly at the look on Kageyama’s face. 

“It was cute,” he explains quickly, “I thought it was really cute.”

Something clicks in Kageyama’s head, and he blushes, fights a smile, looks down and says, “Oh. Thanks, I guess.”

It’s late at this point, past midnight, so they both climb up the stairs and head back to Kageyama’s room. They don’t bother with an extra bed; there’d be no point to it, now. So Hinata crawls in next to Kageyama, and at first they’re just laying side by side, a little space in between them. 

Hinata craves the warmth of another body, and Kageyama must too because he shuffles closer and runs his fingers against Hinata’s arm. Hinata, with a smile, maneuvers until his head is resting on Kageyama’s chest, their legs tangled. One of Kageyama’s arms is under Hianta and has wrapped around to stroke, softly, at his arms. 

Hinata closes his eyes, so comfortable and close to sleep. Part of him is worried that when Monday comes they will both pretend like this never happened, like they never got this close. Hinata likes their relationship, the teasing, the pushing and the pulling, the competition, but now that he has gotten this close, learned this much, how could he not want this as well? 

“I…thank you. For coming here, today,” Kageyama says suddenly, quietly, “Sometimes just being around another person helps.” Hinata lifts himself up so he can look at Kageyama. 

“It’s my fault,” Hinata responds, “And besides, I missed you.” Hinata says this so honestly it startles Kageyama.

“D-don’t say something so embarrassing without a little warning!” He splutters, and Hinata laughs, burying his face into Kageyama’s chest, “And don’t…It’s not really your fault, you get that right?” Hinata hums, keeps his face in Kageyama’s chest. 

“I…invited the other first years to come over,” Hinata says after a moment, and then backtracks when he feels Kageyama go stiff under him. 

“I know it isn’t my place, but they’re all really worried about you,” Hinata babbles, “I know it won’t make everything better, but I think it’ll help to be around people. But I can tell them not to come, if you want.”

“No,” Kageyama says, relaxing again, “It’s fine. I can handle it. Now go to sleep. If I’m going to be dealing with Tsukishima, I need a lot of rest.” Hinata chuckles. He closes his eyes and falls asleep to the sound of Kageyama’s heartbeat.

Hinata is the first to rise, and it is still kind of early so he sneaks off to take a shower. When he comes back to the room, Kageyama is sitting up, but he’s just staring at the wall. 

“Hey,” Hinata says as he quietly makes his way over to sit next to Kageyama on the bed, “You alright?” Kageyama hesitates, then shakes his head.

“Okay,” Hinata says, and then that’s all he says for a little while. They sit together like that, silently.

“Why don’t you take a shower?” Hinata nudges, “We can make breakfast when you’re done.” Kageyama nods, shuffles to the bathroom. 

After a moment Hinata hears the water running, so he makes his way downstairs, pulling out pans and spatulas. He’s flipping through a cookbook of just breakfast foods, but everything is more complicated than scrambled eggs so Hinata’s at a loss. 

“You won’t be able to make anything in there,” Hinata turns at the sound of Kageyama’s voice, takes it as a good sign that he’s talking, and he kind of wants to take the challenge, pick the most complicated thing and see if he can make it. But his stomach gurgles and he decides to take a route that will produce something edible. 

Kageyama is pulling another book out and flipping through it. He sets it down and starts pulling ingredients from the fridge. 

“Can I help?” Hinata asks eagerly, but Kageyama scoffs. 

“I don’t want you burning down my kitchen. My parents would kill me.” 

“Hey! I’ll have you know I’m quite capable in the kitchen!” Hinata protests. Kageyama waves him away. 

“Just sit,” Kageyama says as he points to a chair at the island, “I like cooking by myself.” Hinata pouts, but does as he’s told, and babbles on about nothing in particular in the meantime. 

Breakfast is good. They clean up their mess, then sit around for a little bit after changing. They are just getting into a conversation about new volleyball tactics when there is a knock at the door. They both freeze, and Hinata gives Kageyama an encouraging smile. Kageyama stands and moves to open the door.

Yamaguchi and Yachi are all smiles when they come in, and even Tsukishima’s face doesn’t seem as unpleasant as normal. Kageyama stands there, for a moment, just staring at them, before welcoming them inside. 

They all talk, for a while, about school and volleyball. Kageyama spends most of the time listening, and no one pushes him, but he doesn’t have that sad, far off look, which Hinata takes as good sign. They play video games, two on two, and when Kageyama and Tsukishima play the intensity in the room spikes. Kageyama loses, but when he curses Tsukishima out he sounds like himself, and Hinata’s heart swells with fondness at the sight. They take a walk around the neighborhood, stop at a nearby park, and Yachi even gets a stranger to take a picture of them all. Tsukishima is scowling in the picture, but they’re all slightly surprised by the soft smile Kageyama has on his face. Hinata makes sure Yachi sends him a copy of the picture. 

They head back to the house, and after some tea the others begin to disperse. Yamaguchi and Tsukishima leave first, then Yachi, and then it’s Hinata standing in the doorway.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Kageyama offers when Hinata still hasn’t moved to leave. 

“Right,” is all Hinata can manage, and there’s a question forming under his tongue but he doesn’t know how to ask it. So he takes his bike and leaves, heads back, wondering what would be in store for them. 

When Hinata sees Kageyama the next day, he still seems a little reserved and quiet, but the bags under his eyes are gone and he’s eating a pork bun. He seems even better at practice, more engaged and psyched up than he had been the past few days. Hinata and Kageyama play more fluidly and in sync than they have in a while. Being on the court with Kageyama, even just for practice, feels electric again. 

They are in the usual team huddle, going over strategy, and when Hinata glances over to Kageyama he notices that his hands are calm and still at his side. Hinata grins. 

 

They both grow over the course of a couple years, Kageyama more so than any of them. His expression is softer, now, and he laughs more openly. The first years are surprised; they had heard rumors of the terrifying Kageyama, and some of them seemed almost disappointed it wasn’t true (until Kageyama made one of the first years run extra laps for slacking during practice). 

Yamaguchi is team captain and Kageyama is the vice. They work well together, and Kageyama takes his position seriously. He’s still a little awkward, still has a pretty short fuse, but people wave to him now, invite him over, people outside the team, and he is much more secure and comfortable in the relationships he has made. He even gets confessed to once in a while, and Hinata had to learn to stop getting jealous over that. 

“Don’t you know I’m yours, dumbass?” Kageyama would chuckle and kiss away the pout on Hinata’s lips.

Hinata is a little taller, a little calmer these days. He’s still one of the shortest on the team, but no one hesitates to call him the ace; he’s earned it. He and Kageyama are still competitive, that will probably never change, and they even let it encompass the newer parts of their relationship. Who can say the cheesiest things without getting embarrassed? Who can kiss the other longer? Who can get the other to pop a boner (they had to stop doing this one because they tried it at practice once and Yamaguchi and Yachi yelled at them for being bad examples in front of the underclassmen).

Graduation is hard. It hits all the third years like a freight train, and they cry, all of them, and even Tsukishima makes no effort to hide the tears streaming down his face. He confesses to Yamaguchi, who accepts, and they kiss right then and there, both their faces salty with tears. The old Karasuno volleyball members show up to the celebration. There is Tanaka and Noya, both still loud and rowdy, Daichi and Suga who come in holding hands (“See? I told you so,” Yachi whispers triumphantly to Yamaguchi). Even Kiyoko comes, and she pulls Yachi aside and tells her something that makes her go red, and then the two of them are holding hands all evening (“See?” Yamaguchi snickers back at her, “Told you so.”). 

When the celebrations are over and the sun has long since set, Hinata and Kageyama go for a walk, just the two of them. The only sounds are crickets, and a dog barking somewhere nearby. Silences between them are uncommon because Hinata likes to fill the vacuum, but tonight he is casting glances at Kageyama’s face to gage his mood. 

Things are good. Pretty great, actually, and Kageyama is even going to a professional pretty regularly. But sometimes things get hard, and Hinata has learned to identify any signs that might indicate Kageyama is slipping into a bad place. Right now, Kageyama is holding Hinata’s hand lightly in his own, is looking off into the distance, deep in thought, his brow slightly furrowed and a slight frown on his face. Ah, Hinata thinks with a fond smile, he’s doing just fine. 

“To-bi-o,” Hinata sings out, because he loves the faint blush Kageyama gets, “What are you thinking about?”

“I’m wondering if we packed enough blankets for the apartment,” he responds, “Three isn’t enough, since you’re a shitty blanket hog.”

“Mean, Kageyama!” Hinata says, pouting indignantly as Kageyama chuckles. He squeezes their hands together, then pulls Hinata in for a kiss. Yeah, Hinata thinks, leaning into the kiss, We’re doing just fine.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a while ago when I was going through an especially hard case of depression. I feel like there are some people who will feel like Hinata didn't handle the situation perfectly. I wrote it that way on purpose because I didn't want him to. 
> 
> I wanted to convey that even though Hinata doesn't know what he's doing, he does it with a lot of heart. I don't know if I succeeded, but that's what mattered most to me when I finally opened up.


End file.
